My own individual expression, honestly, I have a really specific story for this. I was a pretty insecure kid in middle school. I mean, I think a lot of us were, but in 7th grade, I was always kind of very blah, like very blah outfits. Not trying to stand out any which way. And then there was one day in 7th grade and it was a Friday and it was a really rainy day. I kind of was like, "Oh, it's so boring out and it's about to be the weekend, no one's gonna remember really what I do today. if I feel horribly embarrassed, I can just pretend it never happened." So I put on this absolutely ugly, heinous, crazy outfit. It was two mismatched knee high socks. One was rainbow, one was ombre blue. This big pink skirt, this ugly headband. And I had so much fun that day dressing like all crazy and just out there. I think one girl said something mean to me and I just ignored it and blew past it. Yeah, I just kept doing it forever and ever and ever for about, I guess, over a decade now. I mean, I've definitely gotten a little better with it. I'm not looking as awful as I did that day, I hope. But then that's kind of where I found more the sense of expression of I want to stand out and I want to look bright and colorful, and just more exciting because it's just more fun. I just had so much more fun that day. So that's really where it started and that's where it stayed for a long time. I mean still is. I think, I think 7th grade is like, that's 11 ish, 13. I was coming into my body back then in ways, like I was definitely pudgier, bigger, and I got my boobs early, and I like didn't like my body at that time, which I think a lot of kids do. So it was, in a way, a claiming of my body and finally accepting it as what it was, which is definitely big, that's still a journey forever. But it was like, "Oh, I can dress crazy and I can love this body in a way I hadn't before and express things on this body without hating it so much."


I definitely started buying better clothes. And then, I started so out there, I just open a door to looking at clothes. More than just something you have to wear to get through the day, to do your activities. And what could I put together that would make me excited for the next day? What vehicle could I make these clothes that would make me feel good, feel vibrant, feel exciting, and want to be seen, want to be out of the house, want to go out in the world? I mean, I don't like count sheep anymore. I literally pick out my outfits for the week to fall asleep, whether or not I wear them or not. Like, I just love now, putting together different things that you wouldn't think go together and trying to make something that I think looks hot and fun and cool. Of course some days I get dressed and I don't feel great about who I am and I think a little bit too much about the outside world and all that, but then I get to just remember that I live in New York and even if someone looks at me twice, no one's looking a third time, no one's looking at fourth time. There's no one who is gonna remember me an hour later in their day. What I also find so comforting is that it is an anonymous city in a lot of ways.

I collage a lot, which is, I guess when I say collage, it's like a mix of collaging and scrapping. When I was 19, I felt I was really angsty. And I was like, this feels big. 19 feels like a big, important year to me. I ws like, I'm never going to be 19 again. Like when 19 is over, I'm going to grow and change. I'm not going to be that person. So I started then, and it's almost a magazine of that year. So I have one now for every year between that and 24 and I'm working on 26 again. They're kind of like, thrown together like a magazine of my year. I definitely love collaging. I have a box now. It's a mess, I need to get a real box. It's like this cardboard box that my cat keeps chewing up. That has a lot of already cut out pieces just for over the years. And then I have a bunch of magazines. And I'll go to Walgreens and I'll like print out a bunch of photos of me and my friends. And I'll add like words or phrases. Lyric something. They're not like high art or anything here. Yeah, and this, wrap of Hot Cheetos, yum. I do that in my free time. I ran out of glue, so I haven't done it in a minute. I love to be alone, honestly. So it's one of those things that I'll put on music, it's very calming, very centering. And because, you have to do it pretty, it takes a long time to do in a way, so long cutting everything out, gluing it, placing it, finding things that go well together. I'm lucky now that I've been doing it still and I have a good base of items, it's very meditative and you go through all these little pictures. You think a lot of things about, friends that you've had and lost, moments of really fun, pleasurable times in your life, and it's just a really calming, centering thing that I get to do. Sometimes, I get really depressed about it, not so much anymore now that I've grown up a little bit, but I remember when I was younger too, like, I do feel a lot of stress about getting older. And it's like, who I am now is not who I'll be forever, which is fine. I think that's important. It still sucks that one day this version of me will be gone and it'll be a new version of me. If I don't make these, what documents exactly what this feels like at 26, at 24. So having these glimpses of what I felt like and what I was into and who I was hanging out with, I love having those to look back at.

I think I still do have that childhood wonder whenever I put on an outfit I really like, whenever I'm wearing great colors, or I look in the mirror and my eyeshadow matches one facet of something. I don't think I've ever lost. Never fully lost that. When I put on an outfit, I'm really happy about being just so excited to be in it, almost bird's eye view myself. Like I'll be sitting down a little bit, this is what I'm wearing right now. I know that this looks really cute and feeling still so happy. So I definitely haven't lost that. I'm not like a closed off person, but I'm definitely tentative, I would say. So, some days, I definitely like being alone, spending time on my own, in my own little world, reading and writing, or collaging. No one else at all. I won't answer my phone for a few days. I definitely will tap out of the world like that, which a way I would describe my introvertedness. And then I also mean it more in social settings, I will try to take a step back until I warm up more. My step back would be, I'll ask you a question that will lead you to a long interesting answer that I can then feed off of for a while, instead of having to put myself more out there and talk about myself. That is kind of my get around of being social while still feeling I'm protecting myself and keeping my walls up a bit, which, if you were with me, you wouldn't see it. As me being introverted, but in the way I feel I'm playing or strategizing, it works for me to create that comfort.

Opposite of protecting introvertiness is wearing loud clothings. When you wear more dressed up, fancy, loud clothes, it is gonna get me more attention, and it's a bit more of an invitation. Obviously it's not always how I feel, but if you're gonna dress crazy, people are more likely to come up and talk to you. So, it definitely is a more put yourself out there way. I am balancing being introverted and loud clothings. There are times where I will dress myself down going out, cause I'm not feeling being seen. I call it the celebrity hangover look, when you wear the big sunglasses and the baseball cap out, you're being like you're afraid you're about to be papped. And I'll do that every once in a blue moon, because you sometimes you don't want people looking at you. And fashion definitely, it is a way to open yourself up without talking.