I really don't like writing and stuff like that. I don't like explaining, I feel like, directly what happened to me, but I think that with my art, I like to draw or make pieces for some emotional reason, like, "oh, this reminds me of this situation that happened", or "oh, this shows that", "oh, I love this person", or whatever, but nobody understands that, but it's like, only me putting my own references and stuff that I understand. Kind of like it's currently what I'm dealing with.

With my family, I had, honestly, kind of a bad relationship. So I feel like I was always made to be independent from a really, really young age, and, I feel like I didn't get to, like, experience, fully, just be a kid. I had to worry about, "Oh, I have this responsibility" or, "Oh, I have to take care of my brother" and stuff like that. So I think that, I'm like, "Oh, imagine if I didn't have these responsibilities, how I could just grow up with my friends and stuff." And it wasn't until, I was 16 that I started like being allowed to hang out with my friends and have fun.

My parents, and their friends are always into hip hop. I think that music style of like, New York Puerto Rican, I do feel like I fit. But I think really, my culture, like in Puerto Rico, I feel like I don't fit the fashion style because they, they're like, I don't know, cause I'm non binary, and that's still not really accepted, and, my grandmother and stuff, they still want me to like, because I was born like female or whatever, they still want me to like, "oh, you have to wear tight clothes" and it's kind of like, you know, like Fashion Nova. They want, the very revealing and tight, like hourglass figure tight clothes. I wear everything oversized. Really oversized. I knew I was non binary, I didn't want to be a girl, I always felt really uncomfortable when my mom would make me wear a dress and wear these things and whatever, so I think at first I was wearing oversized, I guess to hide my body, because I was mad that they made me wear these things that I didn't want to like show my body, I didn't want to be wearing shorts and tank top and whatever. So at first I think it was out of to feel comfortable in, but then now I just like it because it's comfortable clothes, like when it's big pants and stuff, it's way more comfortable than skinny jeans. Because if your grandma's always telling you when you're a non binary, "you have to wear this as a girl", then like, I feel like it's, sometimes, I don't know, influence your identity as well. Yeah. I think I always did what I wanted and didn't listen. You know, how they, I feel like everyone when it's a woman, they want you to be ladylike, like "oh, you have to be quiet and you have to listen to what everyone tells you and be like a people pleaser". I really didn't like that. I've never been like that. So I think because I would talk back or, I wanted to learn sports, I really wanted to play football when I was little, my family was like, girls are not supposed to do that, that. I think it was just, in my personality, but also, about my body, I think I was, insecure about certain things, and when I was, like, when I was, like, 12, I came out as trans. When I was 12, I came out and I came out as non binary and my family was like, "that's not real, You just following trends that you see online. you're crazy." Like, "that's not a real thing, you can never change." "You're always going to be a girl to me." Like, it doesn't matter. And they're really not accepting. Even though, that was really hard for me because when you're at 12, and you're figuring out your identity, but also everyone's telling you you're wrong, you're wrong, this is bad, like, screaming at you every day, like, it's hard to, still defend yourself. And, I remember that, like, no, I know how I feel, like, I know what I'm doing. and, like, so, yeah, I feel like even though my family was like that, it didn't stop me, I think it pushed me more to do what I want.

I think that now it's so easy to be influenced by TikTok and all these little trends that are popping up. Sometimes you have to sit there and remember what do you actually like. I think that's why I go to the childhood thing because I think that's things that I actually naturally liked on my own. And now it's so hard because you see these trends and you think you'd like this thing, but in a month you're not going to like it because it's not really you. As I'm becoming older, I'm more, becoming more confident in myself and not so influenced and, trying to be, a people pleaser and all this stuff, and I think, when I was little, that was before everyone tells you, "Oh, you're not supposed to be like this", or "you can't do this." Like when you're a kid and you're just running around, they let you just do whatever. So I think that I try to think of the things that I liked before everyone stopped me, before everyone interrupted. And also like I said, like my family was mean to me and at school, I was always bullied and stuff. So I used to, for a long time, be insecure and like, "Oh, these things are weird." Or, "why don't I like, what everyone else like", and I think that as I'm becoming older, I'm like, "they were wrong, and, the things I like are actually cool, they're just different from them." That was like when I was authentic and I tried to run away from it but let me go back to me actually doing stuff that I want to do or authentically liking my own stuff and being proud of it instead of being like, "I'll have to hide everything because people are gonna say this" or whatever. It's just like really just thinking of , what I actually want that I feel like I pushed away for so long.

Also, I don't know if this is off-topic, but it's kind of related also, but I think recently, this past month, I don't know why, but I keep on Instagram, finding my friends that we went to elementary school together, or we went to middle school together. And it's really interesting because these people, even though, I haven't talked to him for nine years, you see them and you will have the same style. You will have the same hair dye, same eye liner. It's so interesting to me. And we weren't like that, obviously when we were little, but I think it's just so funny, we progressed to still be like really similar people. I think it's so crazy to me. Cause I think when you're a child, I feel like the things you like is just intuition. You know what you're. I think you just know things like you just know what you're like. I feel like that's just, you truly know, what's going to happen. Going back to everything and seeing the things I liked, I think that is showing me that I'm in a very different place now, and like, I have grown up a lot and experienced a lot of things . That's why these things have a different meaning to me now than when I was like a baby watching everyone's everybody.

I think that the childhood things kind of goes into the concept or the mood board for my art. But also things that are happening right now, It also goes together.

Before it was always thinking about the future and I think when you're younger, maybe that's how it is. I guess when people are really old, they're just like, "Oh, I wish I was a teenager again." Like, they just think of the past. Right now and like this year and last year, I feel like I've just been so good. I like where I am. I like what age I am. I don't know the coming of age. n the movies, that's kind of towards the end, you see them grow up, and in the end they're older and they're fine. I think that was something that as a kid I couldn't understand. I was like I don't want to get old. I mean, when you're young, you're scared of the future, becaus the future has like a lot of possibilities or just in general, thinking about future always makes people kind of worried. I think I was scared because my family, um, they're very paranoid people. You know, when you're a kid, you just stay home, they don't go outside a lot because they're scared of like, "Oh, I'm going to get robbed and all crime." When I was little and I was thinking of getting older, I was just like, "oh my god, I have to walk outside by myself." I was so just scared of, kind of everything in the world. Being older was to me like, "Oh, you have to go out into this like scary place."

Yeah, I think because now I feel like this year, like, because I'm 20, I don't know, I feel like this year I'm kind of, accepting just being my age and just accepting that I've experienced a lot of things. I guess that my life is different now but when I was younger, even when I was in high school, I used to, I used to cry all the time when I was like really little. I would cry because I said I don't want to grow up. I don't want to grow up, and even when I was in high school I was like, I don't want to get older like I don't want to be an adult and pay rent and do taxes and whatever. Now I don't feel like, I don't want to be older, or I want to be younger. I just think what am I experiencing right now. And I feel like that is coming of age, because I think now I'm very more in the moment of just accepting. Where I am. The world is not that bad. Like, being older, I'm, it's really not that bad.